I can count on the sun to shine.

Honestly, I'm not much in the mood for writing right now. But, I'm going to. I got a text last night, thanks CJ. I feel like most of my blogs consist his name, but at least it isn't obsessing over what I can't have. I'm glad I don't feel that way. But, there is something wrong with me.. I don't like it. This week has been a huge disappointment. First of all, I'm not happy with my completely boring days. I'm not happy with my lack of friends, I guess you could say? And, I feel like something is just missing overall. Incomplete. I feel stupid for saying all of this too, doesn't sound like the Alex I know. 'Cause I'm always happy. So, back to the text. I haven't talked to CJ in about 2 weeks, I knew he'd text me sooner or later. I hoped for never. I don't know how to put it, but CJ likes to piss you off just to pull you right back in. It was a friendly conversation, I'm usually nice to him. He brought up Maggie, and told me the situation there.. what I really think is that... CJ has friends, but he and I have always and will always click. We get each other, like we are going through the same thing constantly. So, I think he texts me because he doesn't have a connection like that other than me. Of course he has friends, and so do I, but both of us have a separate connection, than "friends." I really can't find the words to describe it. But, imagine.. We dated on and off for 2 years, put up with each other and knew what upset one another. I don't know if I'll ever know anyone better than CJ. We can't ever seem to get away from each other, and I've let everything go, and he isn't in my thoughts constantly. But, I know and love him, no matter what. Not the "i'm in love with you" kind of love, but the... I'm stuck with you love. Like, I'm stuck being his friend, because I've been here since the beginning. I think that is why it was always so hard for me to let go of our relationship, because it was so strong. That keeps me different from being "obsessed." Now that I've completely covered this blog with CJ's name, let's move on to another subject. But first, I mean... if this is what I have to talk about, a previous failed relationship, my life can't be too bad. I'm going to watch Shrek with Tori tonight at 10:15, we are getting along, a lot better since I have moved off to UNA, and moved back. She grew up a lot this year, I think. She still acts childish sometimes, but she is a child. She got completely out of control last night, and she has the worst attitude, but Granny and I are working on that. We have decided to completely thrown out the belt, and are going to start pulling privileges, she needs to act right when Mommy gets home or all hell will break loose. Mommy will deal with her for the first few months, maybe, and after that... I don't know how long she will be able to handle her. I'll be paying for myself this fall at UNA, my fault. Hopefully I can get some loans, because I won't be getting financial aid due to my GPA. It is definitely a lesson learned. I'm getting excited about fall recruitment, hoping for the best of course. I've heard the horror stories about some of the girls, and I won't be able to take much of that. I'm not very patient.
"Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster."

Even scientologists know there's more to all of this.

I am stuck on Say Anything^^. So, today, it was a pretty good day for the extent that it went to. I woke up around 12, gotta fix that... picked up Maggie, Jenny and Tori from school. (: We went to El Rio, and Walmart, saw CJ, strange. I have really missed Maggie and Jenny. I realized a lot when we saw CJ though, I don't care anymore. I mean, I'm here and all.. but, he has disgusted me, I've gone through this phase before and he has pulled me right back in, but really, it's done. I have always had this feeling that we will end up together in the end, because we have always clicked so well, but who knows what will happen, and who cares? Why would I want to be with someone that is so immature in so many ways? I wouldn't. So, we all hung out for awhile, and afterwards, Tori had a softball game. I ran into Brett Garner there, and Patrick Early. Brett and I kinda started something up last summer, so we know each other pretty well, but it is weird that I was 'scared' to walk up to him and talk? So, I texted him. Anyway, that resulted in me going over and talking to them. It was an interesting conversation to say the least. I really have missed some of the people in Moulton, which is why I probably feel like I am missing a huge part of my life. Because I am, that huge part, unfortunately, is Moulton. People talk, but you know when people like you, and when you talk to a few people, you automatically know what everyone in Moulton knows. Ah, I think I'll forgive this place soon enough, and then we can see where it takes me. I am home now, and I invited Emmie to come stay with me tonight, we'll see if she will. 5 bucks says she changes her mind last minute, she has been doing that lately.
<333

She probably wouldn't get it.

I think about the blog that has suffered without me everyday, but I always fight from writing because I have so much to talk about all the time. I'm back home for the summer, I need a job desperately though. I don't think I mind being home though, except.. I've become afraid of what people think of me. I've never felt this way before, it is a first.. Everything is different and I'm not around to keep up my reputation, I guess. Many of ruined that for me. I guess I will thank you all....-.- Moulton talks, believe me, they believe anything they hear and the rumors spread to people that you don't even know. It really has helped me to not believe everything that I hear, and not to pass on anything until I know it is fact. But really, I have over exaggerated the situation.. no one talks about me as much as I think, except one. And that one has put this fear in my head. Besides the "talk," Emmie and I rode around the other night, and just hated it. Speake has moved into our school, and I feel that we have lost touch with most or just don't know anyone anymore. It really sucks, I am still excited to be home though, to see Lindsey, Emmie and Austin, etc. I hope this summer will be what I need, because overall, I haven't really liked this past year. I kinda feel.. lonely? I don't know, that sounds stupid. But, throughout all of high school, I had a boyfriend that I was serious with. CJ and then Ian. And now, it hasn't been that way for about a year. I'm okay being alone, and I haven't felt any real attraction to anyone, but I kinda miss having someone there to always hang out with, watch movies with, etc. It's been a nice break but bring on my soulmate, haha. The Wall of Fame has been coming down lately, I can already feel a small relief of my past not being brought up again everyday. It's nice. Can I be done now? It's a sad day, and I'm not feeling this entry..
<3

Have You Ever Really Danced On The Edge?

I swear, I'm paranoid. So, I just realized that Jordan and I will hang out all day, and talk, and then I'll read her blog and find something that she told me about that day. Haha, I haven't established my feelings about blogging yet. I started taking these diet pills last night, we'll see how that goes. I really am hoping to lose some weight, and not because of my complex, but because I want to prove someone wrong. And, I will. Let's focus on my title today. Can you answer it and be proud of the answer? I think I can. I think that I have, maybe more than I should have, but I'm okay with that. I think I've been handed a bad hand because I am strong enough to change it. I don't believe that someone can ultimately blame their parents' for a horrible life, because I have an amazing life, but it could have been bad. Actually, it was supposed to be bad. I also believe that you find yourself in your friends and I will stick to those words til' I die. I don't know if I've heard them somewhere, or if I came up with the phrase, but I will say it forever, and stick by it, because it is so very true. I find myself telling my friends a lot, and I think that way, I find myself. I don't think that my friends "define" or make me. Example: I don't believe that if my friends drink/ do drugs that it means that I will do them, once again, my choice. But, I find who I am in the ones I am closest to. I finally got my layout to where I want it. I took the picture at the top ^^ Yup, all me (: And, I made the layout. I'm proud of it.
So, "Have you ever really danced on the edge?"

Then there's faith in love.

First of all, I am completely obsessed with a song called Kissing In Cars by Pierce The Veil. It just seems so accurate to many people's lives. I can't stop listening to it, if you get the chance, listen. Secondly, I don't feel sorry for you, I just don't. Being that way gets you no praise from me, it makes me despise you even more. The whole act is actually very obvious now that you mention it, being two-faced, and who's to know what you say about me? But honestly, I just don't care what you say. I'm over all of this, I can promise you that I am so sick of people. I've always been a rather blunt person but, it will get worse. I'm not going to talk about people, I'll tell you whats up or you'll notice because I won't be around. What I hate is how people can not even notice how much I dislike them, or even assume it's for other reasons. In other news, I got my history paper back andddd... I made an 82. I guess I approve of that. At first, I was very disappointed, but then I talked to Professor Helgemo, and he said that he is going to let me take the first exam, and now I can probably make a "B" in the class. I'm proud, for once. CIS is the next iffy subject. Sometimes I question this site. A blog.. I think I consider it a way to get personal attention, especially now that I have been reading other people's. And, I guess it makes me wonder if I sound that way towards people. I like to think that I am only spilling out my thoughts so I can figure myself out, but I realize that I complain also. It's a process maybe. My sister and I will be together all summer, what a joy. We have been getting along so well, I enjoy it so much more than our previous relationship. I know that when I am around more, we will fight. Ahh, we'll see.
"HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED."

No such thing as too young, second chances won't leave you alone.

What a beautiful day it is today. (: I miss noticing that. Chelly (my roommate) signed my yearbook today. Is it crazy that I'm stuck on getting yearbook's signed? I'm going to miss her a lot, more than I thought I would. She may not be coming back next year.. due to grades, and I will truly hate that. She has been an amazing roommate, and I don't think anyone will be better. Jordan will be my roommate next year, but we hang out a lot and I just know we will be over each other after the first few months, I guess that will be a good test to our friendship. Chelly and I on the otherhand, get along but have no worries with getting on each other's nerves, because we aren't constantly together. She understands my rants and raves, and joins in sometimes. Today's story: I've been up since 5, wanna know why? We have ants in our room. Thank you to my cup with Mountain Dew left over in it from Pike's Peak. Those ants were drunk. Seriously. Summer is closely approaching, and I can only hope it will match up to last year. I will have to have a job this summer, but I am okay with making some cash. I can only hope that I will be seeing Miranda, Jenny, Emmie, Lindsey, Anna, and Maggie as much/or more as/than last year. We'll see. At the same time, I hope not to lose touch with Jordan, Emily, Anna Beth, Jessi, Paige, my sisters, etc. I don't consider many my best friends, but you know, I will miss them (sometimes). I find it strange that I've been talking to Terri and Charlie here lately. But, I really like it. I forgot how much I really enjoyed their family. I used to really like Terri, I wish things wouldn't have completely went downhill with the relationship, so I could still be close with the family. But ya know. I felt that way with Ian's family too, I really liked his whole family. Weird. I have class at 2 today, the last one before the exam. I'm pretty sure we get out papers back too, and I'm so nervous about it. I really needed to do amazing on that paper to pass the class. :/ I'm trying how to figure how to get a picture on my backround on blogspot. A picture that I took, because I'm interested in photography, ya know. We'll see where that takes me.
the day is young.

This Photograph Is Proof.

I am completely in love with Taking Back Sunday, not the members, just more of... the lyrics. I am so inspired by them. They have a song for every moment in my whole life. I connect so well with their music. Let's Talk. Guilt, can someone tell me where that comes from? I can almost promise you it's from a complex that I've been given, thank you rumors. Once you have been told something so much, I think it makes you hate it and resent anything about. There is no feeling after that, you hate it because that is your mind... and I've never felt this way about anything except this. And, I'm scared that my feelings won't ever change, and I'll always feel this way. I wish people understood what they were doing when they said mean things to others. Not just me, but I've witnessed it many times... and you can't say things like that to anyone, how many people kill themselves because of things like this? I mean, trust me... I will never kill myself, but just sayin'. I told my grandmother that I think there is something wrong with me, I think I have an early case of Alzheimer's. Is that possible? I'm only 18. Memory-loss, already? Man.. Anyway, here is why. I was born in Atlanta, and I have a hard time remembering my childhood, and some of my high school memories. My grandmother's reply was, "maybe you just wanted to block it out." At first, I argued that logic because I didn't understand why I would want to block out my high school years, they were my favorite. But, I've thought about it, and maybe I am blocking it out, my high school years were great... but a lot happened that I struggled with. My dad, boys, lost friendships. "Boys" sounds dumb, but... I felt that I was very in love with this boy, and the relationship struggled. Anyway, I seriously could have blocked those parts out. Or maybe I have forgotten a few things because everyone that I knew has drastically changed, everyone does at one point. My mood changes a lot depending on the song that is playing, random. I'm moving home for the summer and re-doing my room. Get excited. I as of now, have pictures completely covering the walls. I'm sick of that. I can't stand looking at the walls with my past written all over them. Like I said, maybe I do block out my past. I hope to make the room look bigger by taking all the furniture out, and putting my bed on the floor. I shall be painting it, and showing people who I am, as much as I can through my room. Well, the rest of my life is for another night.
"Every day is a gift." I betcha didn't know that did you?