There's always one more secret.

I really love secrets. Secrets are this thing that if you don't want ANYONE to know, they don't have to. If you don't tell anyone, no one knows. Trust is something else I love. Trust is where if you do tell someone your secret(s), you can trust them to keep it to themselves. Neither of these things exist in Moulton, AL. I promise you, I am counting down the days til I leave here. The last thing I love, honesty. Honesty comes from someone who doesn't lie. I am honest. I know that secrets/ and trust don't exactly exist anywhere. People talk, people make things up, and people spread whatever they hear. And, that happens everywhere. I wish I could be one of those mysterious people that no one knew anything about, but at the same time... there was nothing to know. But, no one knew that. Make sense? Yeah. Times like these make me wish that we could start over, have a redo button. Does anyone believe that true love will find a way through anything? I wonder how many people believe that sometimes.
I won't tell your secrets if you won't tell mine.

Underneath Hurt is Love.

Here it goes. You know those guys that like... you probably dated forever, and knew for even longer? The ones that you hurt and the ones that hurt you? There's this saying.. it says: Under anger is hurt, and under hurt is love. This statement could never be any more true. I know this guy, someone I loved. I loved a lot actually. When someone says.. "hey, you ever been in love?" I say "No, love isn't real" and think of this guy. I have realized so much about this person in the last year, it is unbelievable. Can you imagine being someone that everyone falls for, that everyone falls in love with? That everyone texts and thinks they are the first person to say that to them. I think about this a lot. He is that guy. Honestly, he isn't even that special in my eyes. He is special to me because I feel that he was my first love. But, to anyone else, I can't figure out how he is important. Anyway, I was the first one. I told him every compliment first. It's weird how far we have come in life, and how sometimes I still think about him and where he will end up. There comes a time where everyone will hurt you. He's done that a lot. Recently, he hurt me in a way that no one else could. I hate the town of Moulton because of him. I hate what this place represents. I hope that one day I can truly forgive him, but I hope I never forget. I hope I never love him like I used to, and I hope I remember how much he hated me at one point too. This all had to come out of my mouth, because I can never be his friend.
<3

I really have no sympathy.

That is all.

I can count on the sun to shine.

Honestly, I'm not much in the mood for writing right now. But, I'm going to. I got a text last night, thanks CJ. I feel like most of my blogs consist his name, but at least it isn't obsessing over what I can't have. I'm glad I don't feel that way. But, there is something wrong with me.. I don't like it. This week has been a huge disappointment. First of all, I'm not happy with my completely boring days. I'm not happy with my lack of friends, I guess you could say? And, I feel like something is just missing overall. Incomplete. I feel stupid for saying all of this too, doesn't sound like the Alex I know. 'Cause I'm always happy. So, back to the text. I haven't talked to CJ in about 2 weeks, I knew he'd text me sooner or later. I hoped for never. I don't know how to put it, but CJ likes to piss you off just to pull you right back in. It was a friendly conversation, I'm usually nice to him. He brought up Maggie, and told me the situation there.. what I really think is that... CJ has friends, but he and I have always and will always click. We get each other, like we are going through the same thing constantly. So, I think he texts me because he doesn't have a connection like that other than me. Of course he has friends, and so do I, but both of us have a separate connection, than "friends." I really can't find the words to describe it. But, imagine.. We dated on and off for 2 years, put up with each other and knew what upset one another. I don't know if I'll ever know anyone better than CJ. We can't ever seem to get away from each other, and I've let everything go, and he isn't in my thoughts constantly. But, I know and love him, no matter what. Not the "i'm in love with you" kind of love, but the... I'm stuck with you love. Like, I'm stuck being his friend, because I've been here since the beginning. I think that is why it was always so hard for me to let go of our relationship, because it was so strong. That keeps me different from being "obsessed." Now that I've completely covered this blog with CJ's name, let's move on to another subject. But first, I mean... if this is what I have to talk about, a previous failed relationship, my life can't be too bad. I'm going to watch Shrek with Tori tonight at 10:15, we are getting along, a lot better since I have moved off to UNA, and moved back. She grew up a lot this year, I think. She still acts childish sometimes, but she is a child. She got completely out of control last night, and she has the worst attitude, but Granny and I are working on that. We have decided to completely thrown out the belt, and are going to start pulling privileges, she needs to act right when Mommy gets home or all hell will break loose. Mommy will deal with her for the first few months, maybe, and after that... I don't know how long she will be able to handle her. I'll be paying for myself this fall at UNA, my fault. Hopefully I can get some loans, because I won't be getting financial aid due to my GPA. It is definitely a lesson learned. I'm getting excited about fall recruitment, hoping for the best of course. I've heard the horror stories about some of the girls, and I won't be able to take much of that. I'm not very patient.
"Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster."

Even scientologists know there's more to all of this.

I am stuck on Say Anything^^. So, today, it was a pretty good day for the extent that it went to. I woke up around 12, gotta fix that... picked up Maggie, Jenny and Tori from school. (: We went to El Rio, and Walmart, saw CJ, strange. I have really missed Maggie and Jenny. I realized a lot when we saw CJ though, I don't care anymore. I mean, I'm here and all.. but, he has disgusted me, I've gone through this phase before and he has pulled me right back in, but really, it's done. I have always had this feeling that we will end up together in the end, because we have always clicked so well, but who knows what will happen, and who cares? Why would I want to be with someone that is so immature in so many ways? I wouldn't. So, we all hung out for awhile, and afterwards, Tori had a softball game. I ran into Brett Garner there, and Patrick Early. Brett and I kinda started something up last summer, so we know each other pretty well, but it is weird that I was 'scared' to walk up to him and talk? So, I texted him. Anyway, that resulted in me going over and talking to them. It was an interesting conversation to say the least. I really have missed some of the people in Moulton, which is why I probably feel like I am missing a huge part of my life. Because I am, that huge part, unfortunately, is Moulton. People talk, but you know when people like you, and when you talk to a few people, you automatically know what everyone in Moulton knows. Ah, I think I'll forgive this place soon enough, and then we can see where it takes me. I am home now, and I invited Emmie to come stay with me tonight, we'll see if she will. 5 bucks says she changes her mind last minute, she has been doing that lately.
<333

She probably wouldn't get it.

I think about the blog that has suffered without me everyday, but I always fight from writing because I have so much to talk about all the time. I'm back home for the summer, I need a job desperately though. I don't think I mind being home though, except.. I've become afraid of what people think of me. I've never felt this way before, it is a first.. Everything is different and I'm not around to keep up my reputation, I guess. Many of ruined that for me. I guess I will thank you all....-.- Moulton talks, believe me, they believe anything they hear and the rumors spread to people that you don't even know. It really has helped me to not believe everything that I hear, and not to pass on anything until I know it is fact. But really, I have over exaggerated the situation.. no one talks about me as much as I think, except one. And that one has put this fear in my head. Besides the "talk," Emmie and I rode around the other night, and just hated it. Speake has moved into our school, and I feel that we have lost touch with most or just don't know anyone anymore. It really sucks, I am still excited to be home though, to see Lindsey, Emmie and Austin, etc. I hope this summer will be what I need, because overall, I haven't really liked this past year. I kinda feel.. lonely? I don't know, that sounds stupid. But, throughout all of high school, I had a boyfriend that I was serious with. CJ and then Ian. And now, it hasn't been that way for about a year. I'm okay being alone, and I haven't felt any real attraction to anyone, but I kinda miss having someone there to always hang out with, watch movies with, etc. It's been a nice break but bring on my soulmate, haha. The Wall of Fame has been coming down lately, I can already feel a small relief of my past not being brought up again everyday. It's nice. Can I be done now? It's a sad day, and I'm not feeling this entry..
<3

Have You Ever Really Danced On The Edge?

I swear, I'm paranoid. So, I just realized that Jordan and I will hang out all day, and talk, and then I'll read her blog and find something that she told me about that day. Haha, I haven't established my feelings about blogging yet. I started taking these diet pills last night, we'll see how that goes. I really am hoping to lose some weight, and not because of my complex, but because I want to prove someone wrong. And, I will. Let's focus on my title today. Can you answer it and be proud of the answer? I think I can. I think that I have, maybe more than I should have, but I'm okay with that. I think I've been handed a bad hand because I am strong enough to change it. I don't believe that someone can ultimately blame their parents' for a horrible life, because I have an amazing life, but it could have been bad. Actually, it was supposed to be bad. I also believe that you find yourself in your friends and I will stick to those words til' I die. I don't know if I've heard them somewhere, or if I came up with the phrase, but I will say it forever, and stick by it, because it is so very true. I find myself telling my friends a lot, and I think that way, I find myself. I don't think that my friends "define" or make me. Example: I don't believe that if my friends drink/ do drugs that it means that I will do them, once again, my choice. But, I find who I am in the ones I am closest to. I finally got my layout to where I want it. I took the picture at the top ^^ Yup, all me (: And, I made the layout. I'm proud of it.
So, "Have you ever really danced on the edge?"