Somewhere, a clock is ticking.

What happens when it's time to grow up? Do you know? Recently, it has come to my attention that school may not be an option for me in the fall. If this is new to you, I'm sorry, I planned on telling you. If it's not new to you, then you know how hard this is for me. First of all, because I love college, I love the people that I have found there, I love being on my own in the least way possible. Second of all, because I love that it gives me time, time to figure out what to do with my life. Time to figure out what happens when its time to grow up. I can assure you that I have been looking for everyway possible, scholarships, loans, everything. But, I'm 99% sure that Moulton will capture me, and drag me under like every other poor gossiping soul in this pathetic town. Moulton IS that place. That place that no one wants to be in, but gets dragged into. That's how I feel about it anyways. Moulton is close to the smallest town on the map, other than Hatton and Speake, and everyone knows everything about you. And, if they don't, they make up things about you. It's this town where everyone attends church just to gossip about the sluttiest girl in town and then act as if they are God themselves. I suggest you never come close, or you too, will be dragged into the gossip and drama. I know I sound like I hate this place, but honestly, I don't, I hate what it represents, and I hate that every town is JUST like it. Maybe not as small, and maybe others don't talk AS much, but everyone talks. Everyone talks about someone/something just to get the attention off of themselves. It's sad, but it's the world we live in. You gotta be a saint to survive, if not, get out. This started off as growing up, and ended with Moulton, I think the only reason growing up so quickly bothers me is because without time, I will get stuck here. We can only hope it won't be forever.
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My Own Disaster.

I'm nineteen, like the song, by Tegan and Sara. I'm nineteen. One more time? I'm nineteen. Get it yet? Good. So, I've noticed... ya know when it's your birthday and your whole family is like.. "So, Suzy Q, do you FEEL any older?" And Suzy Q is like.. "Nope, I feel the same." No one asked me that this time, no one said... "Hey, Alex, Do you FEEL nineteen?" It's guaranteed that I would have said yes, because I do. I feel nineteen, if not older. I feel like I'm growing up and decisions are having to be made. I'm not one to cry, but if I was, I would have cried about this getting older thing like 5 times already/ x's 20. That's a lot. This birthday, I realized a lot of things, I grow up this year. I go out and get serious about life. I can't imagine why anyone would want to get serious about life. And, I don't think that I ever truly will. Life isn't supposed to be taken seriously. Life is supposed to be an experience. Your last experience. So, in my eyes, if you want to be living on your last dime every month, fine. If you want to save it all up to bury with you, fine with me. It's YOUR life. I guess my advice would be, don't take it too seriously, because this may just be it. As I am typing all of this, I realize that this year will contradict all of that, because I will need to get a little serious this year. As I go on, I also realize that my life is so unexpected. I don't know where I'm going/ who I'll marry/ when I'll die, etc. And, while all of that would be kind of interesting to know, I think I can wait and find out. It's weird how some people thrive on mysteries, because life in itself, is one big mystery. I only hope that the rest of this year will open my eyes, and get me out of Moulton. I'm excited to know what comes next in my life, and I think I know not to ever take it too seriously. People die young everyday. And, regrets are a waste of a life. Lastly, "I do feel nineteen, if not older." Sleep on that tonight.

There's always one more secret.

I really love secrets. Secrets are this thing that if you don't want ANYONE to know, they don't have to. If you don't tell anyone, no one knows. Trust is something else I love. Trust is where if you do tell someone your secret(s), you can trust them to keep it to themselves. Neither of these things exist in Moulton, AL. I promise you, I am counting down the days til I leave here. The last thing I love, honesty. Honesty comes from someone who doesn't lie. I am honest. I know that secrets/ and trust don't exactly exist anywhere. People talk, people make things up, and people spread whatever they hear. And, that happens everywhere. I wish I could be one of those mysterious people that no one knew anything about, but at the same time... there was nothing to know. But, no one knew that. Make sense? Yeah. Times like these make me wish that we could start over, have a redo button. Does anyone believe that true love will find a way through anything? I wonder how many people believe that sometimes.
I won't tell your secrets if you won't tell mine.

Underneath Hurt is Love.

Here it goes. You know those guys that like... you probably dated forever, and knew for even longer? The ones that you hurt and the ones that hurt you? There's this saying.. it says: Under anger is hurt, and under hurt is love. This statement could never be any more true. I know this guy, someone I loved. I loved a lot actually. When someone says.. "hey, you ever been in love?" I say "No, love isn't real" and think of this guy. I have realized so much about this person in the last year, it is unbelievable. Can you imagine being someone that everyone falls for, that everyone falls in love with? That everyone texts and thinks they are the first person to say that to them. I think about this a lot. He is that guy. Honestly, he isn't even that special in my eyes. He is special to me because I feel that he was my first love. But, to anyone else, I can't figure out how he is important. Anyway, I was the first one. I told him every compliment first. It's weird how far we have come in life, and how sometimes I still think about him and where he will end up. There comes a time where everyone will hurt you. He's done that a lot. Recently, he hurt me in a way that no one else could. I hate the town of Moulton because of him. I hate what this place represents. I hope that one day I can truly forgive him, but I hope I never forget. I hope I never love him like I used to, and I hope I remember how much he hated me at one point too. This all had to come out of my mouth, because I can never be his friend.
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I really have no sympathy.

That is all.

I can count on the sun to shine.

Honestly, I'm not much in the mood for writing right now. But, I'm going to. I got a text last night, thanks CJ. I feel like most of my blogs consist his name, but at least it isn't obsessing over what I can't have. I'm glad I don't feel that way. But, there is something wrong with me.. I don't like it. This week has been a huge disappointment. First of all, I'm not happy with my completely boring days. I'm not happy with my lack of friends, I guess you could say? And, I feel like something is just missing overall. Incomplete. I feel stupid for saying all of this too, doesn't sound like the Alex I know. 'Cause I'm always happy. So, back to the text. I haven't talked to CJ in about 2 weeks, I knew he'd text me sooner or later. I hoped for never. I don't know how to put it, but CJ likes to piss you off just to pull you right back in. It was a friendly conversation, I'm usually nice to him. He brought up Maggie, and told me the situation there.. what I really think is that... CJ has friends, but he and I have always and will always click. We get each other, like we are going through the same thing constantly. So, I think he texts me because he doesn't have a connection like that other than me. Of course he has friends, and so do I, but both of us have a separate connection, than "friends." I really can't find the words to describe it. But, imagine.. We dated on and off for 2 years, put up with each other and knew what upset one another. I don't know if I'll ever know anyone better than CJ. We can't ever seem to get away from each other, and I've let everything go, and he isn't in my thoughts constantly. But, I know and love him, no matter what. Not the "i'm in love with you" kind of love, but the... I'm stuck with you love. Like, I'm stuck being his friend, because I've been here since the beginning. I think that is why it was always so hard for me to let go of our relationship, because it was so strong. That keeps me different from being "obsessed." Now that I've completely covered this blog with CJ's name, let's move on to another subject. But first, I mean... if this is what I have to talk about, a previous failed relationship, my life can't be too bad. I'm going to watch Shrek with Tori tonight at 10:15, we are getting along, a lot better since I have moved off to UNA, and moved back. She grew up a lot this year, I think. She still acts childish sometimes, but she is a child. She got completely out of control last night, and she has the worst attitude, but Granny and I are working on that. We have decided to completely thrown out the belt, and are going to start pulling privileges, she needs to act right when Mommy gets home or all hell will break loose. Mommy will deal with her for the first few months, maybe, and after that... I don't know how long she will be able to handle her. I'll be paying for myself this fall at UNA, my fault. Hopefully I can get some loans, because I won't be getting financial aid due to my GPA. It is definitely a lesson learned. I'm getting excited about fall recruitment, hoping for the best of course. I've heard the horror stories about some of the girls, and I won't be able to take much of that. I'm not very patient.
"Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster."

Even scientologists know there's more to all of this.

I am stuck on Say Anything^^. So, today, it was a pretty good day for the extent that it went to. I woke up around 12, gotta fix that... picked up Maggie, Jenny and Tori from school. (: We went to El Rio, and Walmart, saw CJ, strange. I have really missed Maggie and Jenny. I realized a lot when we saw CJ though, I don't care anymore. I mean, I'm here and all.. but, he has disgusted me, I've gone through this phase before and he has pulled me right back in, but really, it's done. I have always had this feeling that we will end up together in the end, because we have always clicked so well, but who knows what will happen, and who cares? Why would I want to be with someone that is so immature in so many ways? I wouldn't. So, we all hung out for awhile, and afterwards, Tori had a softball game. I ran into Brett Garner there, and Patrick Early. Brett and I kinda started something up last summer, so we know each other pretty well, but it is weird that I was 'scared' to walk up to him and talk? So, I texted him. Anyway, that resulted in me going over and talking to them. It was an interesting conversation to say the least. I really have missed some of the people in Moulton, which is why I probably feel like I am missing a huge part of my life. Because I am, that huge part, unfortunately, is Moulton. People talk, but you know when people like you, and when you talk to a few people, you automatically know what everyone in Moulton knows. Ah, I think I'll forgive this place soon enough, and then we can see where it takes me. I am home now, and I invited Emmie to come stay with me tonight, we'll see if she will. 5 bucks says she changes her mind last minute, she has been doing that lately.
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