WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

That's right, wasting time. I always seem to find inspiration within the hour or 2AM. Let's throw some things out there and then explain. I'm still job-less. (That one is self-explanatory) My family drives me crazy. I am going to school again, thank God. My commitment issues never seem to fail. I've accepted being alone forever. I applied to AustinCC in Texas tonight. I don't want to leave. I do want to leave. I hate my life. I love my life. I'm probably the most confused person in the whole world. Maybe I should see a counselor... I never thought I'd say that. Okay, 'splaining time.
1. My family drives me crazy. -Ever since my mom has been home, it's been more chaotic than usual. I love my mother, don't get me wrong. I just don't think we 'get' each other. She doesn't understand me, and I don't understand her, and I think it's too late for any of that. You know when you meet someone, you either like them or you don't? And usually you're parents are annoying but only because you are pretty much just like them because THEY raised you. Well, it's not like that with my mother and I. She didn't exactly raise me, and I don't think I'm just like her, and I think that bothers her.
2. I'm going to school again, thank God. -Well, I'm attending school at Calhoun. I'm so glad too. I really like school, and I couldn't see myself just not getting a degree. YAY.
3. My commitment issues never seem to fail. -Seriously. I can't commit to anyone, AND I always find something wrong with them. This isn't a problem now, but one day, it will be. Maybe I'm just stuck in the past, but I really don't think so. I'm just stuck on myself.
4. I've accepted being alone forever. -^^Read #3.
5. I applied to AustinCC in Texas tonight. -I really did. It's a school in Texas, I'm honestly really scared of actually going and leaving all that I know behind. But really, screw this place.
The rest is pretty much self-explanatory. Life is so confusing for me right now. I feel like I'm the only person that feels this way. Like, I wasn't born at the right time. This sucks. I feel like I'm mentally retarded or something. It's not fair. I miss my dad, a lot. Not that he would help, I'd still be lost in this huge world, he'd probably just be lost too. No one knows what to say to me about it, and no one understands it.. and it's whatever, because it's probably better if they don't. If I would sleep at this hour, I wouldn't have this thinking problem.
I have a math test tomorrow, wish me luck. I'm nervous and excited(:

Taking Back Sunday comes out with a new album this Spring. Needless to say, I'm stoked.
Oh, and Happy New Year(; I wish you the best.

If I had my own world.

I just want everyone and anyone who reads this to know that Angels and Airwaves are going to consume my ears from now on. I'm really upset that I didn't discover this sooner. I also found out that they share the same lead singer as Blink 182, which is why I love them oh, so much. I'm not sure if I have any inspiration to write, but let's give it a shot. The past few nights I've been in good old, Florence, Alabama. I miss it a lot. Which confuses me. But first, Emmie and I went there Thursday and Friday night, and I went again on Saturday night. It was honestly like the best weekend of my life... which also confuses me. Ah. I think I've almost got everything figured out. I will be at Calhoun next semester, 6 hours, and then again in the summer. I have been looking at the Art Institute in Raleigh and considering going there... but after this weekend, maybe I should go back to UNA? I love all of the people there, and I know I'm always going to have a good time there... but I really don't want to be stuck in Alabama forever. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, freedom wish? Haha. I want to get out and do things with my life, I want to have some kind of interesting story to tell my future family, if I ever allow someone in for longer than five minutes. This commitment problem I have, is getting annoying.

everything means nothing to me.

It's getting close to Christmas time, correct? I'm iffy on this subject. Christmas is all good if you're like legitimately young... I no longer want/need anything presents wise. Not that I would get it anyway... because this year I am getting money to pay for school. I mean, I appreciate it. But... there's just no point. I guess the Tree is pretty, but does anyone know the significance behind it? That's what I'll do tonight. I mean, how does that have anything to do with Jesus, or whatever? Besides presents, family time would be a plus, if I felt like I got along with my family most of the time. Which, I guess I do, but I let the bad overcome the good, and I guess that isn't really fair to anyone. But like, my sister... is seriously becoming a pain. Whether she means it or not, you don't tell someone that you hate them, especially not family. Not cool, dude. She'll see in the end.
Also, I'm out of a job now? That's really cool. I got fired/quit. Who even knows? I honestly loved that job, but soon enough no one will have a job there. That company is failing and everyone knows it, so off to the bigger and better. But school is paid for, and THAT is cool, my friend.
I've also decided that I miss my old life, and then I decided, I have a few old lives and I'm not sure which one I miss. There's two separate parts of high school. Then there's UNA. And then there's Summer. And then there's now. I don't even know which parts I miss anymore... I just don't agree with change, until after the fact. And one day, I miss this "life" too.

And then there's this book. Paper Towns by John Green. Please read it.

"Maybe it's more like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen— these people leave us, or don't love us, or don't get us, or we don't get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel cracks open in places. And I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and we finally fall apart. And it's only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through the cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."
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@ALEXLSMITH, START BLOGGING AGAIN, NAO.

@jbrasher09 I IS.
And, we continue. I guess sense I'm supposed to be blogging again, I could talk about what's been going on in my life. I have a job. I'm a thrifter, aka Cashier at a Thrift Store. I really do like it. It's pretty trendy, dude. I've been saving money for school, as planned. And my mother is home. I'll be attending Calhoun next semester, 6 hours anyway, while still working. It'll be a good time. And then back at Calhoun in the Summer. Who knows where I'll be in the fall? Really just depends on how all this goes. I've been noticing that a lot of things can just happen and change many decisions. I'm going to visit my grandparents in Knoxville this weekend with Emmie. That will be a good time, for sure. No lie, either. It will be good to get away from Alabama for a few days. Plus, Emmie and I have kind of been on edge it feels like, so maybe we can get things sorted out then. I am ready to get out of here, but I will miss a good bit of people, I just feel like I am supposed to be somewhere else. I guess we'll see. This entry was really random and not well thought out, but it does establish me blogging again. :D

And, sometimes... all you need is one.

One Tree Hill has consumed my life for the past 3 weeks, seriously. Possibly longer. And, I'm in love with it. I seriously wish my life was a TV show. Everything would be so much more dramatic, and I would have a song playing in the background all the time. What more could I want? Let's talk about Warped Tour 2010. Okay, so basically.. I'm pretty much stoked out of my mind. Emmie, possibly Jordon and I will be going to Warped Tour is Atlanta on July 26th. We leave on the 25th and will probably come back on the 28th or 29th. We'll probably go to Six Flags and we are staying with Nikki and her family. I seriously can't wait. I haven't had many breaks this summer and this will be the perfect one. I wish Lindsey was going because we have drifted slightly, but what can you do? This summer has opened my eyes a lot. I've been applying for jobs, so if anyone finds a good job. I encourage you to let me know. I really need one so I can get on with my life, I guess. It's pretty much decided that I won't be going back to school in the fall. I never really saw it happening that way... but I mean, it is, and all I can do is deal with it really. Make the best of a bad situation. Yesterday, a friend told me that I was always the one who saw the bright side of any situation. He said that I somehow forgot about the bad things that happened to me, and always found a way to laugh and smile. It really made me wonder how many people saw me that way. Because, I really don't see that in myself. And, then I thought about it, and he was kinda right. But, really, who is gonna sit around and hate their life because of things they can't help? I'm just glad that I don't. And I'm glad he saw that in me. Thank you.

Somewhere, a clock is ticking.

What happens when it's time to grow up? Do you know? Recently, it has come to my attention that school may not be an option for me in the fall. If this is new to you, I'm sorry, I planned on telling you. If it's not new to you, then you know how hard this is for me. First of all, because I love college, I love the people that I have found there, I love being on my own in the least way possible. Second of all, because I love that it gives me time, time to figure out what to do with my life. Time to figure out what happens when its time to grow up. I can assure you that I have been looking for everyway possible, scholarships, loans, everything. But, I'm 99% sure that Moulton will capture me, and drag me under like every other poor gossiping soul in this pathetic town. Moulton IS that place. That place that no one wants to be in, but gets dragged into. That's how I feel about it anyways. Moulton is close to the smallest town on the map, other than Hatton and Speake, and everyone knows everything about you. And, if they don't, they make up things about you. It's this town where everyone attends church just to gossip about the sluttiest girl in town and then act as if they are God themselves. I suggest you never come close, or you too, will be dragged into the gossip and drama. I know I sound like I hate this place, but honestly, I don't, I hate what it represents, and I hate that every town is JUST like it. Maybe not as small, and maybe others don't talk AS much, but everyone talks. Everyone talks about someone/something just to get the attention off of themselves. It's sad, but it's the world we live in. You gotta be a saint to survive, if not, get out. This started off as growing up, and ended with Moulton, I think the only reason growing up so quickly bothers me is because without time, I will get stuck here. We can only hope it won't be forever.
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My Own Disaster.

I'm nineteen, like the song, by Tegan and Sara. I'm nineteen. One more time? I'm nineteen. Get it yet? Good. So, I've noticed... ya know when it's your birthday and your whole family is like.. "So, Suzy Q, do you FEEL any older?" And Suzy Q is like.. "Nope, I feel the same." No one asked me that this time, no one said... "Hey, Alex, Do you FEEL nineteen?" It's guaranteed that I would have said yes, because I do. I feel nineteen, if not older. I feel like I'm growing up and decisions are having to be made. I'm not one to cry, but if I was, I would have cried about this getting older thing like 5 times already/ x's 20. That's a lot. This birthday, I realized a lot of things, I grow up this year. I go out and get serious about life. I can't imagine why anyone would want to get serious about life. And, I don't think that I ever truly will. Life isn't supposed to be taken seriously. Life is supposed to be an experience. Your last experience. So, in my eyes, if you want to be living on your last dime every month, fine. If you want to save it all up to bury with you, fine with me. It's YOUR life. I guess my advice would be, don't take it too seriously, because this may just be it. As I am typing all of this, I realize that this year will contradict all of that, because I will need to get a little serious this year. As I go on, I also realize that my life is so unexpected. I don't know where I'm going/ who I'll marry/ when I'll die, etc. And, while all of that would be kind of interesting to know, I think I can wait and find out. It's weird how some people thrive on mysteries, because life in itself, is one big mystery. I only hope that the rest of this year will open my eyes, and get me out of Moulton. I'm excited to know what comes next in my life, and I think I know not to ever take it too seriously. People die young everyday. And, regrets are a waste of a life. Lastly, "I do feel nineteen, if not older." Sleep on that tonight.