Some days are better than others.

Music helps everything. If you don't feel this way, I suggest you go ahead and end your life, because I swear it doesn't get better than the feeling of listening to a certain band, and feeling completely perfect even though it seems as if the whole world is falling down around you. Music helps me through everything. But, I'm not gonna lie, connecting with a certain song can bring me down. It's my best time to think. I'm currently listening to the band Anberlin, some good stuff right here. It's weird how I always get the urge to write around 2 AM. My best thinking time, I guess. Where everyone is asleep, everything is quiet, even my phone. My mind is relaxed at this point. I just finished watching Gamer, it's a good movie. I have a ton of stuff that I'd like to get done tomorrow, so I was gonna go to sleep kinda earlyish, but obviously that isn't gonna happen. Seems as if everything is really good right now, and then the next second, everything is not so good. But I'm gonna stick with it being good. Keep my head up, and get there. But, I guess things could always be a little bit better. I think it's okay for me to say that, because I'm not usually one to think that. I'm usually one to think "things could be worse." So, I give myself permission to be negative about life. It'd be nice if my dad were around, I don't know how much good that would do, but it'd also be nice to know. It'd be nice if I wasn't living at home, it'd be nice if I could actually believe in something again. But, then again. At least I'm living.
My mom has been talking to her first husband recently. Actually, I'm not sure if they've talked in the last few days, because her and I don't really discuss a lot of stuff, I guess it'd be nice to do that too... but it's not a big deal. Anyway, I'm not sure if it's anything more than a friendship, but I have a theory. If you're not okay with twisted thoughts, go somewhere else now. Actually, it's not twisted, but you might take it that way. So, my parents fought a lot when I was little, a lot. I remember most of it, it wasn't pleasant, but I really think it taught me a lot about "love" and what I want out of life. Things got pretty bad sometimes, but it happens. And no, I don't think it really affected me. Moving on, people say "things always happen for a reason" and trust me, I look for those reasons, like... Why did my dad die? Where's the reasoning? I think I may have found it. My mom went to prison. Trust me, I found the reasoning there. Go God. *High five* This all happened around the same time. I'm thinking that Dad died so that when Mom got out, and came home/here, he wouldn't be. I know it doesn't make sense. But the fights were violent and mind-destroying I'm sure. If he was here, I can promise you that things wouldn't be as peaceful as they are now. Things would be hard, especially for my sister. I like to think that I'm strong, stronger than most people, and I don't think Tori could handle, and definitely didn't need the violence. I do think my mom and dad loved each other. (actually, i don't exactly put much faith in love, it's more of a fantasy) but I do believe that they cared about each other, in a hateful way. I think I have faith in this conclusion, because I can say that I have felt that way for someone before. Not nearly as harsh, but if such a relationship continued, I'm sure it would end in the same way. So, God, killed off my father, to save my mother, to save my sister, to save my grandmother. It hurts, oh, it hurts. But give me another theory and maybe I'll consider it... This one just seems right. Who knows why it wasn't vice versa. But I'm thinking it's because there wasn't any hope left for my father. Maybe there was, but I just never saw it. I never saw that light of hope that could lead him to the right path, but maybe I wasn't ever looking. And maybe there was/is hope for my mother. I think I've always seen it. Maybe her light was just brighter, and maybe I only saw the bad, and maybe I still see it that way, but here we are, and this is all I have to go on. I'll never completely understand. And you know, maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason. Maybe people just die because they make mistakes, maybe they just take it too far, and that's it. Maybe there were never any chances, there was just life and you can take it for granted or you can appreciate it. It's one or the other, and there are consequences. And not from any "God" but from life. This is something else that I won't know until death, and then I'll try and let you know.
You know what's really weird, is that one minute you can be alive and well, and the next you can be so close to death. I think it's so strange how you can just commit suicide, and all the answers are laid out on the table for you. In a way, it's cheating. Life is like this game, and you can cheat, or you can hold out til the end, and try your best to win. Makes me think so much. If the answers of God or heaven and hell were just on the internet somewhere, no one would have an opinion, because there would be a "right" and "wrong." As much as everyone hates that everyone doesn't think like them, I like it, because it adds so much variety to our world. It gives us all this extra challenge, to think for ourselves, to form our own opinion, to decide what we do and don't believe in. It's so complex and no one even realizes it.
This post was pretty deep, I hope it's understandable.
Inspired by: (*Fin)- Anberlin. <3333

I'm not even sad anymore.

I have a new obsession. It's called, not being at home. I seriously try not to be here as much as possible. I miss all of my friends from UNA, and it's just so hard to keep in touch with everyone when you're so distant and busy all the time. It sucks that everybody has their own stuff going on. I just know that there are a lot of people that mean so much to me, and I never have time to see them and tell them how much of an impact they have made in my life. It's really majority of the people that have come into my life, so if I never see you, and you are reading this, just know that you most likely made a big difference in my life. Even if we never really talked, just knowing you or talking to you probably made some decision in my life, and I appreciate that because I'm starting to like where I am. So thanks guys, and keep it up.
I've been hanging out with old friends lately. Sense I am restricted to Moulton because I am so poor, I'm hitting up old friends and everything is pretty much normal again. The summer is coming soon, thank God, and I can only hope I pass my classes and get into some more for the summer, and then off to Texas in the fall. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a good idea to get out of here, and I have the strongest feeling that I will love it over there. Or I hope I do. The thing is, I know I will miss a lot of people, and maybe even this boring town... okay, the second one was clearly a lie, but the people, SOME of the people, are seriously some of my favorite people.
Emmie for one, will be terribly missed. Even though we get under each others skin sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, I still love her and she has honestly been the best friend that I could ever ask for. She never gets upset with me over my stupid decisions, and she's always on my side. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her, but I am very grateful. She always knows what to say to cheer me up, or just help me out with anything that I may need, she's always there. She really is a good friend. If you ever read this Emmie, thanks so much. You are the best person that I could ever ask to have in my life. <3333 Words couldn't even express how grateful I am.
Moving on, I need a job. Desperately. Not just for money, but because I am absolutely bored out of my mind at my house. And I seriously can't handle this family anymore.