Some days are better than others.

Music helps everything. If you don't feel this way, I suggest you go ahead and end your life, because I swear it doesn't get better than the feeling of listening to a certain band, and feeling completely perfect even though it seems as if the whole world is falling down around you. Music helps me through everything. But, I'm not gonna lie, connecting with a certain song can bring me down. It's my best time to think. I'm currently listening to the band Anberlin, some good stuff right here. It's weird how I always get the urge to write around 2 AM. My best thinking time, I guess. Where everyone is asleep, everything is quiet, even my phone. My mind is relaxed at this point. I just finished watching Gamer, it's a good movie. I have a ton of stuff that I'd like to get done tomorrow, so I was gonna go to sleep kinda earlyish, but obviously that isn't gonna happen. Seems as if everything is really good right now, and then the next second, everything is not so good. But I'm gonna stick with it being good. Keep my head up, and get there. But, I guess things could always be a little bit better. I think it's okay for me to say that, because I'm not usually one to think that. I'm usually one to think "things could be worse." So, I give myself permission to be negative about life. It'd be nice if my dad were around, I don't know how much good that would do, but it'd also be nice to know. It'd be nice if I wasn't living at home, it'd be nice if I could actually believe in something again. But, then again. At least I'm living.
My mom has been talking to her first husband recently. Actually, I'm not sure if they've talked in the last few days, because her and I don't really discuss a lot of stuff, I guess it'd be nice to do that too... but it's not a big deal. Anyway, I'm not sure if it's anything more than a friendship, but I have a theory. If you're not okay with twisted thoughts, go somewhere else now. Actually, it's not twisted, but you might take it that way. So, my parents fought a lot when I was little, a lot. I remember most of it, it wasn't pleasant, but I really think it taught me a lot about "love" and what I want out of life. Things got pretty bad sometimes, but it happens. And no, I don't think it really affected me. Moving on, people say "things always happen for a reason" and trust me, I look for those reasons, like... Why did my dad die? Where's the reasoning? I think I may have found it. My mom went to prison. Trust me, I found the reasoning there. Go God. *High five* This all happened around the same time. I'm thinking that Dad died so that when Mom got out, and came home/here, he wouldn't be. I know it doesn't make sense. But the fights were violent and mind-destroying I'm sure. If he was here, I can promise you that things wouldn't be as peaceful as they are now. Things would be hard, especially for my sister. I like to think that I'm strong, stronger than most people, and I don't think Tori could handle, and definitely didn't need the violence. I do think my mom and dad loved each other. (actually, i don't exactly put much faith in love, it's more of a fantasy) but I do believe that they cared about each other, in a hateful way. I think I have faith in this conclusion, because I can say that I have felt that way for someone before. Not nearly as harsh, but if such a relationship continued, I'm sure it would end in the same way. So, God, killed off my father, to save my mother, to save my sister, to save my grandmother. It hurts, oh, it hurts. But give me another theory and maybe I'll consider it... This one just seems right. Who knows why it wasn't vice versa. But I'm thinking it's because there wasn't any hope left for my father. Maybe there was, but I just never saw it. I never saw that light of hope that could lead him to the right path, but maybe I wasn't ever looking. And maybe there was/is hope for my mother. I think I've always seen it. Maybe her light was just brighter, and maybe I only saw the bad, and maybe I still see it that way, but here we are, and this is all I have to go on. I'll never completely understand. And you know, maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason. Maybe people just die because they make mistakes, maybe they just take it too far, and that's it. Maybe there were never any chances, there was just life and you can take it for granted or you can appreciate it. It's one or the other, and there are consequences. And not from any "God" but from life. This is something else that I won't know until death, and then I'll try and let you know.
You know what's really weird, is that one minute you can be alive and well, and the next you can be so close to death. I think it's so strange how you can just commit suicide, and all the answers are laid out on the table for you. In a way, it's cheating. Life is like this game, and you can cheat, or you can hold out til the end, and try your best to win. Makes me think so much. If the answers of God or heaven and hell were just on the internet somewhere, no one would have an opinion, because there would be a "right" and "wrong." As much as everyone hates that everyone doesn't think like them, I like it, because it adds so much variety to our world. It gives us all this extra challenge, to think for ourselves, to form our own opinion, to decide what we do and don't believe in. It's so complex and no one even realizes it.
This post was pretty deep, I hope it's understandable.
Inspired by: (*Fin)- Anberlin. <3333

I'm not even sad anymore.

I have a new obsession. It's called, not being at home. I seriously try not to be here as much as possible. I miss all of my friends from UNA, and it's just so hard to keep in touch with everyone when you're so distant and busy all the time. It sucks that everybody has their own stuff going on. I just know that there are a lot of people that mean so much to me, and I never have time to see them and tell them how much of an impact they have made in my life. It's really majority of the people that have come into my life, so if I never see you, and you are reading this, just know that you most likely made a big difference in my life. Even if we never really talked, just knowing you or talking to you probably made some decision in my life, and I appreciate that because I'm starting to like where I am. So thanks guys, and keep it up.
I've been hanging out with old friends lately. Sense I am restricted to Moulton because I am so poor, I'm hitting up old friends and everything is pretty much normal again. The summer is coming soon, thank God, and I can only hope I pass my classes and get into some more for the summer, and then off to Texas in the fall. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a good idea to get out of here, and I have the strongest feeling that I will love it over there. Or I hope I do. The thing is, I know I will miss a lot of people, and maybe even this boring town... okay, the second one was clearly a lie, but the people, SOME of the people, are seriously some of my favorite people.
Emmie for one, will be terribly missed. Even though we get under each others skin sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, I still love her and she has honestly been the best friend that I could ever ask for. She never gets upset with me over my stupid decisions, and she's always on my side. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her, but I am very grateful. She always knows what to say to cheer me up, or just help me out with anything that I may need, she's always there. She really is a good friend. If you ever read this Emmie, thanks so much. You are the best person that I could ever ask to have in my life. <3333 Words couldn't even express how grateful I am.
Moving on, I need a job. Desperately. Not just for money, but because I am absolutely bored out of my mind at my house. And I seriously can't handle this family anymore.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

That's right, wasting time. I always seem to find inspiration within the hour or 2AM. Let's throw some things out there and then explain. I'm still job-less. (That one is self-explanatory) My family drives me crazy. I am going to school again, thank God. My commitment issues never seem to fail. I've accepted being alone forever. I applied to AustinCC in Texas tonight. I don't want to leave. I do want to leave. I hate my life. I love my life. I'm probably the most confused person in the whole world. Maybe I should see a counselor... I never thought I'd say that. Okay, 'splaining time.
1. My family drives me crazy. -Ever since my mom has been home, it's been more chaotic than usual. I love my mother, don't get me wrong. I just don't think we 'get' each other. She doesn't understand me, and I don't understand her, and I think it's too late for any of that. You know when you meet someone, you either like them or you don't? And usually you're parents are annoying but only because you are pretty much just like them because THEY raised you. Well, it's not like that with my mother and I. She didn't exactly raise me, and I don't think I'm just like her, and I think that bothers her.
2. I'm going to school again, thank God. -Well, I'm attending school at Calhoun. I'm so glad too. I really like school, and I couldn't see myself just not getting a degree. YAY.
3. My commitment issues never seem to fail. -Seriously. I can't commit to anyone, AND I always find something wrong with them. This isn't a problem now, but one day, it will be. Maybe I'm just stuck in the past, but I really don't think so. I'm just stuck on myself.
4. I've accepted being alone forever. -^^Read #3.
5. I applied to AustinCC in Texas tonight. -I really did. It's a school in Texas, I'm honestly really scared of actually going and leaving all that I know behind. But really, screw this place.
The rest is pretty much self-explanatory. Life is so confusing for me right now. I feel like I'm the only person that feels this way. Like, I wasn't born at the right time. This sucks. I feel like I'm mentally retarded or something. It's not fair. I miss my dad, a lot. Not that he would help, I'd still be lost in this huge world, he'd probably just be lost too. No one knows what to say to me about it, and no one understands it.. and it's whatever, because it's probably better if they don't. If I would sleep at this hour, I wouldn't have this thinking problem.
I have a math test tomorrow, wish me luck. I'm nervous and excited(:

Taking Back Sunday comes out with a new album this Spring. Needless to say, I'm stoked.
Oh, and Happy New Year(; I wish you the best.

If I had my own world.

I just want everyone and anyone who reads this to know that Angels and Airwaves are going to consume my ears from now on. I'm really upset that I didn't discover this sooner. I also found out that they share the same lead singer as Blink 182, which is why I love them oh, so much. I'm not sure if I have any inspiration to write, but let's give it a shot. The past few nights I've been in good old, Florence, Alabama. I miss it a lot. Which confuses me. But first, Emmie and I went there Thursday and Friday night, and I went again on Saturday night. It was honestly like the best weekend of my life... which also confuses me. Ah. I think I've almost got everything figured out. I will be at Calhoun next semester, 6 hours, and then again in the summer. I have been looking at the Art Institute in Raleigh and considering going there... but after this weekend, maybe I should go back to UNA? I love all of the people there, and I know I'm always going to have a good time there... but I really don't want to be stuck in Alabama forever. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, freedom wish? Haha. I want to get out and do things with my life, I want to have some kind of interesting story to tell my future family, if I ever allow someone in for longer than five minutes. This commitment problem I have, is getting annoying.

everything means nothing to me.

It's getting close to Christmas time, correct? I'm iffy on this subject. Christmas is all good if you're like legitimately young... I no longer want/need anything presents wise. Not that I would get it anyway... because this year I am getting money to pay for school. I mean, I appreciate it. But... there's just no point. I guess the Tree is pretty, but does anyone know the significance behind it? That's what I'll do tonight. I mean, how does that have anything to do with Jesus, or whatever? Besides presents, family time would be a plus, if I felt like I got along with my family most of the time. Which, I guess I do, but I let the bad overcome the good, and I guess that isn't really fair to anyone. But like, my sister... is seriously becoming a pain. Whether she means it or not, you don't tell someone that you hate them, especially not family. Not cool, dude. She'll see in the end.
Also, I'm out of a job now? That's really cool. I got fired/quit. Who even knows? I honestly loved that job, but soon enough no one will have a job there. That company is failing and everyone knows it, so off to the bigger and better. But school is paid for, and THAT is cool, my friend.
I've also decided that I miss my old life, and then I decided, I have a few old lives and I'm not sure which one I miss. There's two separate parts of high school. Then there's UNA. And then there's Summer. And then there's now. I don't even know which parts I miss anymore... I just don't agree with change, until after the fact. And one day, I miss this "life" too.

And then there's this book. Paper Towns by John Green. Please read it.

"Maybe it's more like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen— these people leave us, or don't love us, or don't get us, or we don't get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel cracks open in places. And I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and we finally fall apart. And it's only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through the cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."
<33333

@ALEXLSMITH, START BLOGGING AGAIN, NAO.

@jbrasher09 I IS.
And, we continue. I guess sense I'm supposed to be blogging again, I could talk about what's been going on in my life. I have a job. I'm a thrifter, aka Cashier at a Thrift Store. I really do like it. It's pretty trendy, dude. I've been saving money for school, as planned. And my mother is home. I'll be attending Calhoun next semester, 6 hours anyway, while still working. It'll be a good time. And then back at Calhoun in the Summer. Who knows where I'll be in the fall? Really just depends on how all this goes. I've been noticing that a lot of things can just happen and change many decisions. I'm going to visit my grandparents in Knoxville this weekend with Emmie. That will be a good time, for sure. No lie, either. It will be good to get away from Alabama for a few days. Plus, Emmie and I have kind of been on edge it feels like, so maybe we can get things sorted out then. I am ready to get out of here, but I will miss a good bit of people, I just feel like I am supposed to be somewhere else. I guess we'll see. This entry was really random and not well thought out, but it does establish me blogging again. :D

And, sometimes... all you need is one.

One Tree Hill has consumed my life for the past 3 weeks, seriously. Possibly longer. And, I'm in love with it. I seriously wish my life was a TV show. Everything would be so much more dramatic, and I would have a song playing in the background all the time. What more could I want? Let's talk about Warped Tour 2010. Okay, so basically.. I'm pretty much stoked out of my mind. Emmie, possibly Jordon and I will be going to Warped Tour is Atlanta on July 26th. We leave on the 25th and will probably come back on the 28th or 29th. We'll probably go to Six Flags and we are staying with Nikki and her family. I seriously can't wait. I haven't had many breaks this summer and this will be the perfect one. I wish Lindsey was going because we have drifted slightly, but what can you do? This summer has opened my eyes a lot. I've been applying for jobs, so if anyone finds a good job. I encourage you to let me know. I really need one so I can get on with my life, I guess. It's pretty much decided that I won't be going back to school in the fall. I never really saw it happening that way... but I mean, it is, and all I can do is deal with it really. Make the best of a bad situation. Yesterday, a friend told me that I was always the one who saw the bright side of any situation. He said that I somehow forgot about the bad things that happened to me, and always found a way to laugh and smile. It really made me wonder how many people saw me that way. Because, I really don't see that in myself. And, then I thought about it, and he was kinda right. But, really, who is gonna sit around and hate their life because of things they can't help? I'm just glad that I don't. And I'm glad he saw that in me. Thank you.