You Won't Free Me.

I've begged with the Summer and it is still leaving.
As the Fall makes its way into Alabama, I pack my bags. I am filling them with good and bad memories, old and new, happy and sad. I have met some of my best friends this summer. People that I have already known, just never put much faith in. I've learned so much and regretted so little. I feel like this was it; More than puberty; A huge growth spurt in knowledge. (If that makes sense) I definitely feel older than I ever have, and younger in the best way. I feel as if I make my own decisions, and I really do. My opinions have reached a new high, but I could never stop myself from living my life. -Even if I tried. Eighteen is the year that I have dreaded since I turned seventeen, because that itself was enough for me. I have been scaring myself so much with all the tears I give to the "college" subject. I've always seen myself as the "get out there and do it" kind of person, I haven't ever spent so much time thinking about my future, which is why I probably never even pictured myself getting this far. If you know me well, then you know I always pictured myself dying before graduating or making it to college. It may seem gruesome, but it is how I imagined it. Now with only a week away, I couldn't be more afraid, and that takes so much to admit. I'm scared of losing everything I have ever gained. I am afraid of ending my friendship with Emmie or Lindsey, Austin and CJ, Jenny, Miranda or Anna, even Forrest, Wormy, Caleb, Luke, Jacody, Skyler, Samantha, Joe, Tyler or Chase. There are so many people that I don't even think about. The people that mean so much when they are around, but I don't realize how much I will miss them when I'm gone. I've already lost so many over the summer, and now it's wanting to take even more from me. I know that losing also means gaining. I could probably become friends with anyone! But, why take what I already have? These are the people I have surrounded myself with the last few months, and I can't take to lose them. Those people that I may think that I hate, they will be on my mind. So summer when you go, leave behind my memories, all the good and bad, and don't let me forget a thing. And Fall when you come, go easy on me, because for once, I think I've had enough.

Find yourself.

So, basically I am outside. It is late July and around 8 o’clock. The sky has a pinkish/ purple-ish tint to it. It isn’t the most beautiful thing I have ever seen but it has a type of beauty to it. I am listening to the song called Stolen by Dashboard Confessional, and in this moment, I feel content. Everyone around me is happy and that keeps me content with life. Emmie is at UAB, bored to death, I’m sure, and I am missing her. Lindsey has gone to Decatur for the night, but I ate Subway with her earlier. Austin has yet to pay me for Warped Tour tickets and is ………..I am not sure what he is doing because he clearly didn’t understand the question when I asked him, but if I had to guess, I don’t think he is happy. I hope one day he will be though, just right now he may be below “content level.” He said he is playing sega and he enjoys it though, like I said- not happy. Miranda is still a friend of mine, and one that I am very happy to have. She is at home drawing, and she is very happy doing it. A BUG JUST LANDED ON MY COMPUTER AND WENT UNDER MY KEYS!! DAMN. Jenny Love is watching Baby Mama and she enjoys it. (: She is another person I am lucky to have in my life. CJ had to be at Trent’s at 8, so he is probably there, but he went to see Abby first, so he could be there too. And that makes him happy, I am sure. My cat is rubbing her head on my toes, haha. It is strange how kitty cats don’t care where your toes have been. Then again, she killed a bird today, and that is nasty, I guess she doesn’t think it can get much worse than that, and she is right, for her it can’t. How nice would it be to be a cat. I am thinking that I may call Jenny or Miranda later. I really like both of them. I don’t have to be 18 when I am with any of my friends, and I guess that is why I make them my friends. The sky has now changed colors, and it is into a deep pink/ purple color. It contains more beauty than it did 20 minutes ago. The bugs are eating me. They always try to eat me alive, it is ridiculous. “Don’t you want to wear my diamonds?” I am now listening to that song. It is entertaining, and sure, it makes me happy. Goodnight to you, and you. (: -Alex.

We aren't worth the originality.

i find it funny that most of the time, girls or guys get screwed over.
it's absolutely hilarious that even after being screwed over, they find themselves back in their arms. Something I too take part in doing. Who knows why so many people put themselves through pain to be happy.. when someone else could possibly make them happier. But, no one seems to take that chance. I think that it must take a lot of courage to do. It's kinda like.. an abusive relationship. Everyone thinks... why don't they just leave? and be happy but not one really understands until they are placed in that type of situation. I guess, I have had enough courage to stand up and leave before.. but I lost it, and I came back to what I had already helped myself get out of. Which really, it's just like... (in an abusive relationship) getting free and being happy, and no longer abused and several months later.. going back and saying.. "hey, why don't you hit me again for old times sake?" HOW STUPID! Or in my situation.. being hurt emotionally and then thinking... maybe... just maybe people change? Nahh, they don't. People don't change. People do what they want. Because I mean,think about it... if we all changed to make other people happy, how happy would we be?? We wouldn't. Why would we change our believes to be with someone that wouldn't change for us? Why even bother to make that sacrifice? I really just don't get it. This is me, speaking to myself.. because I can't seem to get it through my head that people don't change.

A mistake isn't a mistake if it's always repeated.