Lindsay Quit Lollygagging.

A new post. This just gets easier and easier. I've continued on with my strange mood. Everyone and anyone that I don't particularly choose to talk to, gets under my skin. Moving past that though... Today my cousin, Katie, sent me a message comparing how she felt when she went to college to how I felt. And, honestly, it was very similar. So, I wonder, how many other people feel that exact same way? Yes, I realize that I was never the only one, but in certain circumstances, because no one ever told me, I just thought I maybe was the only one. Like, an example.. friends. When coming to UNA, and now still, I'm not sure if I feel that I will ever have best friends like Emmie and Lindsey. My closest friends here have been Jordan, and Jessi. Jessi and I did hang out more, but Jordan because she is my sorority sister. But neither friends have felt like Emmie and Lindsey. I haven't went to either one of them crying or asking for advice, I've done all that on my own. Later in the message, Katie told me she eventually did find amazing friends in College, and now they are the ones she calls when she needs anything. I'm not sure if I even want it to be that way.. I've always felt so close to Emmie and Lindsey. But, I don't keep in touch like I should, and I also don't call them asking for advice. It makes me wonder if everyone has that feeling, that they won't find friends that match up to their high school friends, and if so, why don't we talk about it? I think I will ask next time I talk to Jordan. Maybe I just don't ask advice because I don't feel like anything has been that important to ask about. That makes sense. My time will come. In other news, today was lame. I've been sick, and wishing that my car would work properly, but ya know. School is out in 29 days, thanks to Julia's whiteboard I know this information. I really hate that, and I shouldn't. But, when everyone leaves for summer, I'm not sure how well I will keep in touch, or how well anyone else will. That really sucks, because I do like the people that I've met here. I don't like what some of the people stand for, but I do genuinely like a lot of them, whether they like me or not. We'll see how that goes. Until then, I'm just hanging on to the present, and that's how it should be. Not rushing anything, just enjoying what I have now.
-You should know who I am by now.
By the way: feel free to comment back.

A Perfect Sonnet, Or A Disaster.

Have you ever just had a genuinely bad day? Of course you have. It isn't that rare or uncommon, but for me it is. And today, was bad. I can't exactly describe how it was bad, it just was. Anyone that talked to me got on my nerves, and whatever they said disappointed me. It could have been because I slept until 5 PM, and my car won't start, but who knows? I am missing an amount of good music in my life, so if you have anything, please donate it to my knowledge. Something life changing, with a good amount of lyrics included please. Also feel free to recommend a book or two. I recently finished reading "Thirteen Reasons Why." I enjoyed it, it was about a suicide and she had recorded tapes explaining why and who helped her with her decision. I'll actually get some sleep tonight, and go to class tomorrow. I received an apology tonight, that I should have received a long time ago. Actually, I did get it a long time ago, but it was never honest. Tonight, I believe that it was honest. It wasn't fair and nothing is justified in that situation, but as long as apologizing helps her get by then I will accept it, because I had forgiven her a while back. Of course I still think about Ian and everything that happened, because it was a major part of my life, but she has always been forgiven. After all, you can't help who you may fall for. Or can you? I don't think you can belong to someone but if he did, then it was never me, because I never deserved to have someone.. or maybe I did but it was long before I had hurt him. It was before 2009. I was given the chance to start fresh and be happy, and I am/was very thankful for that, but life is never easy so I never made it that way. Fighting for someone was what I wanted. Now that I think about it, and how I am now, maybe I always pulled myself away from CJ.. I assumed it was him, because he always broke up with me, or hurt my feelings, but maybe I did something for that to happen because I wasn't ready for a commitment, just like with Ian, left him for CJ, because I wasn't ready for a commitment, and now.. straying from anyone who may show interest in me because I can't do commitment. Maybe this didn't just begin when I came to UNA, maybe it has existed this whole time, or maybe it hasn't. Maybe I am over thinking the whole situation, and maybe I'm not. Either way, this is what I think about a lot, how much I stray from a relationship now that I'm at UNA. Oh well. Sleep well, don't think too much.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
<3

Is My Love Your Drug?

So, I haven't been to sleep. Cool, huh? I've decided to stick it out, and keep myself up until everyone else is awake to keep me awake. I just watched She's Out of Your League, and I approve. Who knew that you could watch movies online before they actually come out.. I would be the only one to not know that. How sad. I've been missing out this whole time. So, love shall be the subject of this post. Well, not love exactly. More like.. relationships. I'm not sure how I feel about them, or if I even want one. Can you fall in love with someone over blog? Hah. It seems like everyone in college isn't looking for a relationship, which.. I mean, I'm not either, but I guess I wouldn't mind to find someone that I have interest in. I mean, you know like your parents and stuff... how did they find each other? It's like, if you don't make it out of high school with your sweetheart, then you are just screwed because no one really wants a relationship.. So forget a family, or ever feeling loved again. Haha. I sound completely stupid, but I mean, think about it, and I'm serious.. so then, you don't find someone you have interest in, which keeps you falling towards an ex for comfort. I'm not hoping to get married to anyone RIGHT NOW, but it would be nice to have an idea of who I might want to spend my life with. Eh, oh well. I won't lie, I am enjoying the single life, but they are too different feelings. Actually, I may try to get some sleep.

The Past Was Never Promising.

This blog thing.. haven't made my mind up about it yet. But, it's seems like an okay idea. We'll see. Lately.. I've been thinking a lot about my past. Going through pictures doesn't exactly help. I miss a lot so much. My friends, my grades, how careless I was, the reputation I created for myself..etc. Not that I have lost much, just gained everything a little diferently. I ahve amazing friends, bad grades, and still careless, and reputation is fine, not that anyone knows me very well. But, I have lost all my BEST friends, temporarily lost anyway.. lost my grades, and lost my reputation, because that changed when I left and can't stick up for myself. I started over when I moved to UNA. I had the chance to be anyone I wanted to be... but, I am someone else at home. Here, I'm Alex Smith.. I don't get too serious about anything, I'm loud, I don't believe in much or anyone really, don't put much faith in anything, I don't "fall" for guys, but I don't sleep around.. I'm pretty chill, and two-faced around some, but very blunt at the same time. Jealousy isn't really existant to me, nothing to get jealous about, I stand up for what I believe in (which like I said.. isn't much) I don't open up to anyone, but talk A LOT. But, really... I'm not anything like that, or I didn't used to be. In moulton, I'm Alex Smith, I get hooked quick, but I'll always be hooked on a certain one. I'm still loud, and care a little more about what people think. I believe in God and my friends. I love pretty much everyone, who knows if that's how they feel. My life has changed a lot... I can't exactly decide if it's for better or not. Then, I was always happy, but always sad. Now, I'm always happy...and that's it. Or that's how it seems, I don't know if I can even detect my own feelings. While writing, I'm going to skip the whole.. you get to know me thing, because I don't expect anyone to read this, and I already know myself, but if you do decide to read, you'll get to know me along the way.
Maybe I'll figure this all out. Or maybe this is me just figuring myself out, maybe I didn't know who I was before... I just can't bring myself to believe that, I know that I used to be different, but are you really definite in high school anyway? No. You are still figuring yourself out, and I've only become stronger, maybe. I'm confused about everything, but I still have time.
<3Alexandra.

Previous entries.

Everything before this, is old.. but it contains poems, and journal entries. It's who I am/ was.
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