If I had my own world.

I just want everyone and anyone who reads this to know that Angels and Airwaves are going to consume my ears from now on. I'm really upset that I didn't discover this sooner. I also found out that they share the same lead singer as Blink 182, which is why I love them oh, so much. I'm not sure if I have any inspiration to write, but let's give it a shot. The past few nights I've been in good old, Florence, Alabama. I miss it a lot. Which confuses me. But first, Emmie and I went there Thursday and Friday night, and I went again on Saturday night. It was honestly like the best weekend of my life... which also confuses me. Ah. I think I've almost got everything figured out. I will be at Calhoun next semester, 6 hours, and then again in the summer. I have been looking at the Art Institute in Raleigh and considering going there... but after this weekend, maybe I should go back to UNA? I love all of the people there, and I know I'm always going to have a good time there... but I really don't want to be stuck in Alabama forever. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, freedom wish? Haha. I want to get out and do things with my life, I want to have some kind of interesting story to tell my future family, if I ever allow someone in for longer than five minutes. This commitment problem I have, is getting annoying.

everything means nothing to me.

It's getting close to Christmas time, correct? I'm iffy on this subject. Christmas is all good if you're like legitimately young... I no longer want/need anything presents wise. Not that I would get it anyway... because this year I am getting money to pay for school. I mean, I appreciate it. But... there's just no point. I guess the Tree is pretty, but does anyone know the significance behind it? That's what I'll do tonight. I mean, how does that have anything to do with Jesus, or whatever? Besides presents, family time would be a plus, if I felt like I got along with my family most of the time. Which, I guess I do, but I let the bad overcome the good, and I guess that isn't really fair to anyone. But like, my sister... is seriously becoming a pain. Whether she means it or not, you don't tell someone that you hate them, especially not family. Not cool, dude. She'll see in the end.
Also, I'm out of a job now? That's really cool. I got fired/quit. Who even knows? I honestly loved that job, but soon enough no one will have a job there. That company is failing and everyone knows it, so off to the bigger and better. But school is paid for, and THAT is cool, my friend.
I've also decided that I miss my old life, and then I decided, I have a few old lives and I'm not sure which one I miss. There's two separate parts of high school. Then there's UNA. And then there's Summer. And then there's now. I don't even know which parts I miss anymore... I just don't agree with change, until after the fact. And one day, I miss this "life" too.

And then there's this book. Paper Towns by John Green. Please read it.

"Maybe it's more like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen— these people leave us, or don't love us, or don't get us, or we don't get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel cracks open in places. And I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and we finally fall apart. And it's only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through the cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."
<33333

@ALEXLSMITH, START BLOGGING AGAIN, NAO.

@jbrasher09 I IS.
And, we continue. I guess sense I'm supposed to be blogging again, I could talk about what's been going on in my life. I have a job. I'm a thrifter, aka Cashier at a Thrift Store. I really do like it. It's pretty trendy, dude. I've been saving money for school, as planned. And my mother is home. I'll be attending Calhoun next semester, 6 hours anyway, while still working. It'll be a good time. And then back at Calhoun in the Summer. Who knows where I'll be in the fall? Really just depends on how all this goes. I've been noticing that a lot of things can just happen and change many decisions. I'm going to visit my grandparents in Knoxville this weekend with Emmie. That will be a good time, for sure. No lie, either. It will be good to get away from Alabama for a few days. Plus, Emmie and I have kind of been on edge it feels like, so maybe we can get things sorted out then. I am ready to get out of here, but I will miss a good bit of people, I just feel like I am supposed to be somewhere else. I guess we'll see. This entry was really random and not well thought out, but it does establish me blogging again. :D

And, sometimes... all you need is one.

One Tree Hill has consumed my life for the past 3 weeks, seriously. Possibly longer. And, I'm in love with it. I seriously wish my life was a TV show. Everything would be so much more dramatic, and I would have a song playing in the background all the time. What more could I want? Let's talk about Warped Tour 2010. Okay, so basically.. I'm pretty much stoked out of my mind. Emmie, possibly Jordon and I will be going to Warped Tour is Atlanta on July 26th. We leave on the 25th and will probably come back on the 28th or 29th. We'll probably go to Six Flags and we are staying with Nikki and her family. I seriously can't wait. I haven't had many breaks this summer and this will be the perfect one. I wish Lindsey was going because we have drifted slightly, but what can you do? This summer has opened my eyes a lot. I've been applying for jobs, so if anyone finds a good job. I encourage you to let me know. I really need one so I can get on with my life, I guess. It's pretty much decided that I won't be going back to school in the fall. I never really saw it happening that way... but I mean, it is, and all I can do is deal with it really. Make the best of a bad situation. Yesterday, a friend told me that I was always the one who saw the bright side of any situation. He said that I somehow forgot about the bad things that happened to me, and always found a way to laugh and smile. It really made me wonder how many people saw me that way. Because, I really don't see that in myself. And, then I thought about it, and he was kinda right. But, really, who is gonna sit around and hate their life because of things they can't help? I'm just glad that I don't. And I'm glad he saw that in me. Thank you.

Somewhere, a clock is ticking.

What happens when it's time to grow up? Do you know? Recently, it has come to my attention that school may not be an option for me in the fall. If this is new to you, I'm sorry, I planned on telling you. If it's not new to you, then you know how hard this is for me. First of all, because I love college, I love the people that I have found there, I love being on my own in the least way possible. Second of all, because I love that it gives me time, time to figure out what to do with my life. Time to figure out what happens when its time to grow up. I can assure you that I have been looking for everyway possible, scholarships, loans, everything. But, I'm 99% sure that Moulton will capture me, and drag me under like every other poor gossiping soul in this pathetic town. Moulton IS that place. That place that no one wants to be in, but gets dragged into. That's how I feel about it anyways. Moulton is close to the smallest town on the map, other than Hatton and Speake, and everyone knows everything about you. And, if they don't, they make up things about you. It's this town where everyone attends church just to gossip about the sluttiest girl in town and then act as if they are God themselves. I suggest you never come close, or you too, will be dragged into the gossip and drama. I know I sound like I hate this place, but honestly, I don't, I hate what it represents, and I hate that every town is JUST like it. Maybe not as small, and maybe others don't talk AS much, but everyone talks. Everyone talks about someone/something just to get the attention off of themselves. It's sad, but it's the world we live in. You gotta be a saint to survive, if not, get out. This started off as growing up, and ended with Moulton, I think the only reason growing up so quickly bothers me is because without time, I will get stuck here. We can only hope it won't be forever.
<3

My Own Disaster.

I'm nineteen, like the song, by Tegan and Sara. I'm nineteen. One more time? I'm nineteen. Get it yet? Good. So, I've noticed... ya know when it's your birthday and your whole family is like.. "So, Suzy Q, do you FEEL any older?" And Suzy Q is like.. "Nope, I feel the same." No one asked me that this time, no one said... "Hey, Alex, Do you FEEL nineteen?" It's guaranteed that I would have said yes, because I do. I feel nineteen, if not older. I feel like I'm growing up and decisions are having to be made. I'm not one to cry, but if I was, I would have cried about this getting older thing like 5 times already/ x's 20. That's a lot. This birthday, I realized a lot of things, I grow up this year. I go out and get serious about life. I can't imagine why anyone would want to get serious about life. And, I don't think that I ever truly will. Life isn't supposed to be taken seriously. Life is supposed to be an experience. Your last experience. So, in my eyes, if you want to be living on your last dime every month, fine. If you want to save it all up to bury with you, fine with me. It's YOUR life. I guess my advice would be, don't take it too seriously, because this may just be it. As I am typing all of this, I realize that this year will contradict all of that, because I will need to get a little serious this year. As I go on, I also realize that my life is so unexpected. I don't know where I'm going/ who I'll marry/ when I'll die, etc. And, while all of that would be kind of interesting to know, I think I can wait and find out. It's weird how some people thrive on mysteries, because life in itself, is one big mystery. I only hope that the rest of this year will open my eyes, and get me out of Moulton. I'm excited to know what comes next in my life, and I think I know not to ever take it too seriously. People die young everyday. And, regrets are a waste of a life. Lastly, "I do feel nineteen, if not older." Sleep on that tonight.

There's always one more secret.

I really love secrets. Secrets are this thing that if you don't want ANYONE to know, they don't have to. If you don't tell anyone, no one knows. Trust is something else I love. Trust is where if you do tell someone your secret(s), you can trust them to keep it to themselves. Neither of these things exist in Moulton, AL. I promise you, I am counting down the days til I leave here. The last thing I love, honesty. Honesty comes from someone who doesn't lie. I am honest. I know that secrets/ and trust don't exactly exist anywhere. People talk, people make things up, and people spread whatever they hear. And, that happens everywhere. I wish I could be one of those mysterious people that no one knew anything about, but at the same time... there was nothing to know. But, no one knew that. Make sense? Yeah. Times like these make me wish that we could start over, have a redo button. Does anyone believe that true love will find a way through anything? I wonder how many people believe that sometimes.
I won't tell your secrets if you won't tell mine.

Underneath Hurt is Love.

Here it goes. You know those guys that like... you probably dated forever, and knew for even longer? The ones that you hurt and the ones that hurt you? There's this saying.. it says: Under anger is hurt, and under hurt is love. This statement could never be any more true. I know this guy, someone I loved. I loved a lot actually. When someone says.. "hey, you ever been in love?" I say "No, love isn't real" and think of this guy. I have realized so much about this person in the last year, it is unbelievable. Can you imagine being someone that everyone falls for, that everyone falls in love with? That everyone texts and thinks they are the first person to say that to them. I think about this a lot. He is that guy. Honestly, he isn't even that special in my eyes. He is special to me because I feel that he was my first love. But, to anyone else, I can't figure out how he is important. Anyway, I was the first one. I told him every compliment first. It's weird how far we have come in life, and how sometimes I still think about him and where he will end up. There comes a time where everyone will hurt you. He's done that a lot. Recently, he hurt me in a way that no one else could. I hate the town of Moulton because of him. I hate what this place represents. I hope that one day I can truly forgive him, but I hope I never forget. I hope I never love him like I used to, and I hope I remember how much he hated me at one point too. This all had to come out of my mouth, because I can never be his friend.
<3

I really have no sympathy.

That is all.

I can count on the sun to shine.

Honestly, I'm not much in the mood for writing right now. But, I'm going to. I got a text last night, thanks CJ. I feel like most of my blogs consist his name, but at least it isn't obsessing over what I can't have. I'm glad I don't feel that way. But, there is something wrong with me.. I don't like it. This week has been a huge disappointment. First of all, I'm not happy with my completely boring days. I'm not happy with my lack of friends, I guess you could say? And, I feel like something is just missing overall. Incomplete. I feel stupid for saying all of this too, doesn't sound like the Alex I know. 'Cause I'm always happy. So, back to the text. I haven't talked to CJ in about 2 weeks, I knew he'd text me sooner or later. I hoped for never. I don't know how to put it, but CJ likes to piss you off just to pull you right back in. It was a friendly conversation, I'm usually nice to him. He brought up Maggie, and told me the situation there.. what I really think is that... CJ has friends, but he and I have always and will always click. We get each other, like we are going through the same thing constantly. So, I think he texts me because he doesn't have a connection like that other than me. Of course he has friends, and so do I, but both of us have a separate connection, than "friends." I really can't find the words to describe it. But, imagine.. We dated on and off for 2 years, put up with each other and knew what upset one another. I don't know if I'll ever know anyone better than CJ. We can't ever seem to get away from each other, and I've let everything go, and he isn't in my thoughts constantly. But, I know and love him, no matter what. Not the "i'm in love with you" kind of love, but the... I'm stuck with you love. Like, I'm stuck being his friend, because I've been here since the beginning. I think that is why it was always so hard for me to let go of our relationship, because it was so strong. That keeps me different from being "obsessed." Now that I've completely covered this blog with CJ's name, let's move on to another subject. But first, I mean... if this is what I have to talk about, a previous failed relationship, my life can't be too bad. I'm going to watch Shrek with Tori tonight at 10:15, we are getting along, a lot better since I have moved off to UNA, and moved back. She grew up a lot this year, I think. She still acts childish sometimes, but she is a child. She got completely out of control last night, and she has the worst attitude, but Granny and I are working on that. We have decided to completely thrown out the belt, and are going to start pulling privileges, she needs to act right when Mommy gets home or all hell will break loose. Mommy will deal with her for the first few months, maybe, and after that... I don't know how long she will be able to handle her. I'll be paying for myself this fall at UNA, my fault. Hopefully I can get some loans, because I won't be getting financial aid due to my GPA. It is definitely a lesson learned. I'm getting excited about fall recruitment, hoping for the best of course. I've heard the horror stories about some of the girls, and I won't be able to take much of that. I'm not very patient.
"Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster."

Even scientologists know there's more to all of this.

I am stuck on Say Anything^^. So, today, it was a pretty good day for the extent that it went to. I woke up around 12, gotta fix that... picked up Maggie, Jenny and Tori from school. (: We went to El Rio, and Walmart, saw CJ, strange. I have really missed Maggie and Jenny. I realized a lot when we saw CJ though, I don't care anymore. I mean, I'm here and all.. but, he has disgusted me, I've gone through this phase before and he has pulled me right back in, but really, it's done. I have always had this feeling that we will end up together in the end, because we have always clicked so well, but who knows what will happen, and who cares? Why would I want to be with someone that is so immature in so many ways? I wouldn't. So, we all hung out for awhile, and afterwards, Tori had a softball game. I ran into Brett Garner there, and Patrick Early. Brett and I kinda started something up last summer, so we know each other pretty well, but it is weird that I was 'scared' to walk up to him and talk? So, I texted him. Anyway, that resulted in me going over and talking to them. It was an interesting conversation to say the least. I really have missed some of the people in Moulton, which is why I probably feel like I am missing a huge part of my life. Because I am, that huge part, unfortunately, is Moulton. People talk, but you know when people like you, and when you talk to a few people, you automatically know what everyone in Moulton knows. Ah, I think I'll forgive this place soon enough, and then we can see where it takes me. I am home now, and I invited Emmie to come stay with me tonight, we'll see if she will. 5 bucks says she changes her mind last minute, she has been doing that lately.
<333

She probably wouldn't get it.

I think about the blog that has suffered without me everyday, but I always fight from writing because I have so much to talk about all the time. I'm back home for the summer, I need a job desperately though. I don't think I mind being home though, except.. I've become afraid of what people think of me. I've never felt this way before, it is a first.. Everything is different and I'm not around to keep up my reputation, I guess. Many of ruined that for me. I guess I will thank you all....-.- Moulton talks, believe me, they believe anything they hear and the rumors spread to people that you don't even know. It really has helped me to not believe everything that I hear, and not to pass on anything until I know it is fact. But really, I have over exaggerated the situation.. no one talks about me as much as I think, except one. And that one has put this fear in my head. Besides the "talk," Emmie and I rode around the other night, and just hated it. Speake has moved into our school, and I feel that we have lost touch with most or just don't know anyone anymore. It really sucks, I am still excited to be home though, to see Lindsey, Emmie and Austin, etc. I hope this summer will be what I need, because overall, I haven't really liked this past year. I kinda feel.. lonely? I don't know, that sounds stupid. But, throughout all of high school, I had a boyfriend that I was serious with. CJ and then Ian. And now, it hasn't been that way for about a year. I'm okay being alone, and I haven't felt any real attraction to anyone, but I kinda miss having someone there to always hang out with, watch movies with, etc. It's been a nice break but bring on my soulmate, haha. The Wall of Fame has been coming down lately, I can already feel a small relief of my past not being brought up again everyday. It's nice. Can I be done now? It's a sad day, and I'm not feeling this entry..
<3

Have You Ever Really Danced On The Edge?

I swear, I'm paranoid. So, I just realized that Jordan and I will hang out all day, and talk, and then I'll read her blog and find something that she told me about that day. Haha, I haven't established my feelings about blogging yet. I started taking these diet pills last night, we'll see how that goes. I really am hoping to lose some weight, and not because of my complex, but because I want to prove someone wrong. And, I will. Let's focus on my title today. Can you answer it and be proud of the answer? I think I can. I think that I have, maybe more than I should have, but I'm okay with that. I think I've been handed a bad hand because I am strong enough to change it. I don't believe that someone can ultimately blame their parents' for a horrible life, because I have an amazing life, but it could have been bad. Actually, it was supposed to be bad. I also believe that you find yourself in your friends and I will stick to those words til' I die. I don't know if I've heard them somewhere, or if I came up with the phrase, but I will say it forever, and stick by it, because it is so very true. I find myself telling my friends a lot, and I think that way, I find myself. I don't think that my friends "define" or make me. Example: I don't believe that if my friends drink/ do drugs that it means that I will do them, once again, my choice. But, I find who I am in the ones I am closest to. I finally got my layout to where I want it. I took the picture at the top ^^ Yup, all me (: And, I made the layout. I'm proud of it.
So, "Have you ever really danced on the edge?"

Then there's faith in love.

First of all, I am completely obsessed with a song called Kissing In Cars by Pierce The Veil. It just seems so accurate to many people's lives. I can't stop listening to it, if you get the chance, listen. Secondly, I don't feel sorry for you, I just don't. Being that way gets you no praise from me, it makes me despise you even more. The whole act is actually very obvious now that you mention it, being two-faced, and who's to know what you say about me? But honestly, I just don't care what you say. I'm over all of this, I can promise you that I am so sick of people. I've always been a rather blunt person but, it will get worse. I'm not going to talk about people, I'll tell you whats up or you'll notice because I won't be around. What I hate is how people can not even notice how much I dislike them, or even assume it's for other reasons. In other news, I got my history paper back andddd... I made an 82. I guess I approve of that. At first, I was very disappointed, but then I talked to Professor Helgemo, and he said that he is going to let me take the first exam, and now I can probably make a "B" in the class. I'm proud, for once. CIS is the next iffy subject. Sometimes I question this site. A blog.. I think I consider it a way to get personal attention, especially now that I have been reading other people's. And, I guess it makes me wonder if I sound that way towards people. I like to think that I am only spilling out my thoughts so I can figure myself out, but I realize that I complain also. It's a process maybe. My sister and I will be together all summer, what a joy. We have been getting along so well, I enjoy it so much more than our previous relationship. I know that when I am around more, we will fight. Ahh, we'll see.
"HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED."

No such thing as too young, second chances won't leave you alone.

What a beautiful day it is today. (: I miss noticing that. Chelly (my roommate) signed my yearbook today. Is it crazy that I'm stuck on getting yearbook's signed? I'm going to miss her a lot, more than I thought I would. She may not be coming back next year.. due to grades, and I will truly hate that. She has been an amazing roommate, and I don't think anyone will be better. Jordan will be my roommate next year, but we hang out a lot and I just know we will be over each other after the first few months, I guess that will be a good test to our friendship. Chelly and I on the otherhand, get along but have no worries with getting on each other's nerves, because we aren't constantly together. She understands my rants and raves, and joins in sometimes. Today's story: I've been up since 5, wanna know why? We have ants in our room. Thank you to my cup with Mountain Dew left over in it from Pike's Peak. Those ants were drunk. Seriously. Summer is closely approaching, and I can only hope it will match up to last year. I will have to have a job this summer, but I am okay with making some cash. I can only hope that I will be seeing Miranda, Jenny, Emmie, Lindsey, Anna, and Maggie as much/or more as/than last year. We'll see. At the same time, I hope not to lose touch with Jordan, Emily, Anna Beth, Jessi, Paige, my sisters, etc. I don't consider many my best friends, but you know, I will miss them (sometimes). I find it strange that I've been talking to Terri and Charlie here lately. But, I really like it. I forgot how much I really enjoyed their family. I used to really like Terri, I wish things wouldn't have completely went downhill with the relationship, so I could still be close with the family. But ya know. I felt that way with Ian's family too, I really liked his whole family. Weird. I have class at 2 today, the last one before the exam. I'm pretty sure we get out papers back too, and I'm so nervous about it. I really needed to do amazing on that paper to pass the class. :/ I'm trying how to figure how to get a picture on my backround on blogspot. A picture that I took, because I'm interested in photography, ya know. We'll see where that takes me.
the day is young.

This Photograph Is Proof.

I am completely in love with Taking Back Sunday, not the members, just more of... the lyrics. I am so inspired by them. They have a song for every moment in my whole life. I connect so well with their music. Let's Talk. Guilt, can someone tell me where that comes from? I can almost promise you it's from a complex that I've been given, thank you rumors. Once you have been told something so much, I think it makes you hate it and resent anything about. There is no feeling after that, you hate it because that is your mind... and I've never felt this way about anything except this. And, I'm scared that my feelings won't ever change, and I'll always feel this way. I wish people understood what they were doing when they said mean things to others. Not just me, but I've witnessed it many times... and you can't say things like that to anyone, how many people kill themselves because of things like this? I mean, trust me... I will never kill myself, but just sayin'. I told my grandmother that I think there is something wrong with me, I think I have an early case of Alzheimer's. Is that possible? I'm only 18. Memory-loss, already? Man.. Anyway, here is why. I was born in Atlanta, and I have a hard time remembering my childhood, and some of my high school memories. My grandmother's reply was, "maybe you just wanted to block it out." At first, I argued that logic because I didn't understand why I would want to block out my high school years, they were my favorite. But, I've thought about it, and maybe I am blocking it out, my high school years were great... but a lot happened that I struggled with. My dad, boys, lost friendships. "Boys" sounds dumb, but... I felt that I was very in love with this boy, and the relationship struggled. Anyway, I seriously could have blocked those parts out. Or maybe I have forgotten a few things because everyone that I knew has drastically changed, everyone does at one point. My mood changes a lot depending on the song that is playing, random. I'm moving home for the summer and re-doing my room. Get excited. I as of now, have pictures completely covering the walls. I'm sick of that. I can't stand looking at the walls with my past written all over them. Like I said, maybe I do block out my past. I hope to make the room look bigger by taking all the furniture out, and putting my bed on the floor. I shall be painting it, and showing people who I am, as much as I can through my room. Well, the rest of my life is for another night.
"Every day is a gift." I betcha didn't know that did you?

Lindsay Quit Lollygagging.

A new post. This just gets easier and easier. I've continued on with my strange mood. Everyone and anyone that I don't particularly choose to talk to, gets under my skin. Moving past that though... Today my cousin, Katie, sent me a message comparing how she felt when she went to college to how I felt. And, honestly, it was very similar. So, I wonder, how many other people feel that exact same way? Yes, I realize that I was never the only one, but in certain circumstances, because no one ever told me, I just thought I maybe was the only one. Like, an example.. friends. When coming to UNA, and now still, I'm not sure if I feel that I will ever have best friends like Emmie and Lindsey. My closest friends here have been Jordan, and Jessi. Jessi and I did hang out more, but Jordan because she is my sorority sister. But neither friends have felt like Emmie and Lindsey. I haven't went to either one of them crying or asking for advice, I've done all that on my own. Later in the message, Katie told me she eventually did find amazing friends in College, and now they are the ones she calls when she needs anything. I'm not sure if I even want it to be that way.. I've always felt so close to Emmie and Lindsey. But, I don't keep in touch like I should, and I also don't call them asking for advice. It makes me wonder if everyone has that feeling, that they won't find friends that match up to their high school friends, and if so, why don't we talk about it? I think I will ask next time I talk to Jordan. Maybe I just don't ask advice because I don't feel like anything has been that important to ask about. That makes sense. My time will come. In other news, today was lame. I've been sick, and wishing that my car would work properly, but ya know. School is out in 29 days, thanks to Julia's whiteboard I know this information. I really hate that, and I shouldn't. But, when everyone leaves for summer, I'm not sure how well I will keep in touch, or how well anyone else will. That really sucks, because I do like the people that I've met here. I don't like what some of the people stand for, but I do genuinely like a lot of them, whether they like me or not. We'll see how that goes. Until then, I'm just hanging on to the present, and that's how it should be. Not rushing anything, just enjoying what I have now.
-You should know who I am by now.
By the way: feel free to comment back.

A Perfect Sonnet, Or A Disaster.

Have you ever just had a genuinely bad day? Of course you have. It isn't that rare or uncommon, but for me it is. And today, was bad. I can't exactly describe how it was bad, it just was. Anyone that talked to me got on my nerves, and whatever they said disappointed me. It could have been because I slept until 5 PM, and my car won't start, but who knows? I am missing an amount of good music in my life, so if you have anything, please donate it to my knowledge. Something life changing, with a good amount of lyrics included please. Also feel free to recommend a book or two. I recently finished reading "Thirteen Reasons Why." I enjoyed it, it was about a suicide and she had recorded tapes explaining why and who helped her with her decision. I'll actually get some sleep tonight, and go to class tomorrow. I received an apology tonight, that I should have received a long time ago. Actually, I did get it a long time ago, but it was never honest. Tonight, I believe that it was honest. It wasn't fair and nothing is justified in that situation, but as long as apologizing helps her get by then I will accept it, because I had forgiven her a while back. Of course I still think about Ian and everything that happened, because it was a major part of my life, but she has always been forgiven. After all, you can't help who you may fall for. Or can you? I don't think you can belong to someone but if he did, then it was never me, because I never deserved to have someone.. or maybe I did but it was long before I had hurt him. It was before 2009. I was given the chance to start fresh and be happy, and I am/was very thankful for that, but life is never easy so I never made it that way. Fighting for someone was what I wanted. Now that I think about it, and how I am now, maybe I always pulled myself away from CJ.. I assumed it was him, because he always broke up with me, or hurt my feelings, but maybe I did something for that to happen because I wasn't ready for a commitment, just like with Ian, left him for CJ, because I wasn't ready for a commitment, and now.. straying from anyone who may show interest in me because I can't do commitment. Maybe this didn't just begin when I came to UNA, maybe it has existed this whole time, or maybe it hasn't. Maybe I am over thinking the whole situation, and maybe I'm not. Either way, this is what I think about a lot, how much I stray from a relationship now that I'm at UNA. Oh well. Sleep well, don't think too much.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
<3

Is My Love Your Drug?

So, I haven't been to sleep. Cool, huh? I've decided to stick it out, and keep myself up until everyone else is awake to keep me awake. I just watched She's Out of Your League, and I approve. Who knew that you could watch movies online before they actually come out.. I would be the only one to not know that. How sad. I've been missing out this whole time. So, love shall be the subject of this post. Well, not love exactly. More like.. relationships. I'm not sure how I feel about them, or if I even want one. Can you fall in love with someone over blog? Hah. It seems like everyone in college isn't looking for a relationship, which.. I mean, I'm not either, but I guess I wouldn't mind to find someone that I have interest in. I mean, you know like your parents and stuff... how did they find each other? It's like, if you don't make it out of high school with your sweetheart, then you are just screwed because no one really wants a relationship.. So forget a family, or ever feeling loved again. Haha. I sound completely stupid, but I mean, think about it, and I'm serious.. so then, you don't find someone you have interest in, which keeps you falling towards an ex for comfort. I'm not hoping to get married to anyone RIGHT NOW, but it would be nice to have an idea of who I might want to spend my life with. Eh, oh well. I won't lie, I am enjoying the single life, but they are too different feelings. Actually, I may try to get some sleep.

The Past Was Never Promising.

This blog thing.. haven't made my mind up about it yet. But, it's seems like an okay idea. We'll see. Lately.. I've been thinking a lot about my past. Going through pictures doesn't exactly help. I miss a lot so much. My friends, my grades, how careless I was, the reputation I created for myself..etc. Not that I have lost much, just gained everything a little diferently. I ahve amazing friends, bad grades, and still careless, and reputation is fine, not that anyone knows me very well. But, I have lost all my BEST friends, temporarily lost anyway.. lost my grades, and lost my reputation, because that changed when I left and can't stick up for myself. I started over when I moved to UNA. I had the chance to be anyone I wanted to be... but, I am someone else at home. Here, I'm Alex Smith.. I don't get too serious about anything, I'm loud, I don't believe in much or anyone really, don't put much faith in anything, I don't "fall" for guys, but I don't sleep around.. I'm pretty chill, and two-faced around some, but very blunt at the same time. Jealousy isn't really existant to me, nothing to get jealous about, I stand up for what I believe in (which like I said.. isn't much) I don't open up to anyone, but talk A LOT. But, really... I'm not anything like that, or I didn't used to be. In moulton, I'm Alex Smith, I get hooked quick, but I'll always be hooked on a certain one. I'm still loud, and care a little more about what people think. I believe in God and my friends. I love pretty much everyone, who knows if that's how they feel. My life has changed a lot... I can't exactly decide if it's for better or not. Then, I was always happy, but always sad. Now, I'm always happy...and that's it. Or that's how it seems, I don't know if I can even detect my own feelings. While writing, I'm going to skip the whole.. you get to know me thing, because I don't expect anyone to read this, and I already know myself, but if you do decide to read, you'll get to know me along the way.
Maybe I'll figure this all out. Or maybe this is me just figuring myself out, maybe I didn't know who I was before... I just can't bring myself to believe that, I know that I used to be different, but are you really definite in high school anyway? No. You are still figuring yourself out, and I've only become stronger, maybe. I'm confused about everything, but I still have time.
<3Alexandra.

Previous entries.

Everything before this, is old.. but it contains poems, and journal entries. It's who I am/ was.
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